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Crowd Close Door

from Digitalis by Magic Bullet

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I’d rather be up there, up in the top floors, enjoying the penthouse views across the city. But heights, oh dear gods, I can feel the muscles in the back of my thighs spasm at the very thought of it. So I have to be down here, on the ground, looking up. The buildings are so tall, they look like they are curling over to look down on you. It’s oppressive, I feel closed in, confined spaces, oh dear gods, the thought of it, I can feel sweat dripping into my eyes, it’s stinging. I’d like someone to tell me everything will be okay, but it would mean leaving the flat. I can’t leave the flat. I don’t like crowds, I never have, ever since I was a child, never liked crowds. If I were to walk down the steps to the street, people milling everywhere, blah blah blah, that incessant chatter, oh dear gods, the thought of it makes my heart do that thing where it feels like it is skipping a beat and my chest feels light and empty. I don’t like it. Are they looking at me out of their windows? Oh dear gods, they are, aren’t they? I want to get away from the window, they won’t be able to see me then, but it’s quite dark in the middle of the room. Dark, it isn’t nice, bad things happen in the dark. I don’t mind twilight, I can live with that, but it’s not twilight any more, the twilight is long gone, it’s dark now. How much longer do I have to stay here? I don’t want to be here, but I can’t leave, I am terrified of leaving. There is no worse prison than one of your own making, they tell me. Crowd close door. Bang.

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from Digitalis, released October 25, 2020

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Mick Magic England, UK

Formed psychotronic / experimental rock band Magic Moments At Twilight Time in 1986, went on to produce 13 albums across the following decade (with varying line ups). Founded the Music & Elsewhere underground tape label in 1992, releasing 600 titles up to 2003. A lost decade, then released some digital collections from 2013-19, now recording again with broad spectrum experimentalists Magic Bullet. ... more

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